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repentance of a pietist
Sep. 28th, 2005 11:27 pmIt seems like every so often (more often, actually, than I'd like to admit) I get caught up in pietism..."I'm a pk, so I know all the answers" "I'm a good person, much better than those folks" "I've never done anything really bad like they have"...I feel like such a righteous person and don't really think about my own sins...they're such small sins.
I get caught up in doing good things, being a good person...for the wrong reasons. And all of a sudden I realize that it's out of my control, and that I'm doing all of these things for my own appearance, instead of for the glory of God, but I can't seem to stop myself...I keep on, piling more and more good deeds on, as if they will help me be a better person. And God waves His hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention, and I kind of blink and keep on struggling. Then He whispers in my ear, and I brush it away as if I just felt or heard something in my sleep, and I just keep going...growing somewhat frantic as I realize all over again that I can't be super-girl and be everything I'm supposed to be. Then His voice reaches my consciousness. "My child." And I stop suddenly, as if a person steps out in front of my car. My heart races as I strain my whole being to listen..."My child. Why do you weary yourself and take upon you burdens too large for you?" And suddenly I am conscious of what seems like the weight of the whole world upon me, bearing me down so that I can hardly stand. I feel ashamed and disgusted at the weight that I have gathered upon myself, but cannot shake it off. "My child. I am always here. My shoulders are infinitely stronger and more able to bear burdens. Will you give me yours?" And remembering this, as a dream repeating itself, bowing before my Maker, tears of sorrow and repentance stream down my face. He reaches down and touches me, and I sob for joy as the weight lifts, wondering why and how I could forget that He has given Himself for this very purpose; that I might be His child. I look at Him wonderingly, and shyly ask Him once again to teach me to rest in Him, to seek His face, to desire His glory above all else, and to never again try to do it on my own. He takes me in his arms and says, "My child. Rest in Me. For only here will you find perfect peace. My child, know that I only give you what I know you can handle, but even that you cannot handle without Me. My child, never grow weary of coming to me, for I will never grow weary of you." And as I lay there in His arms, a peace that only He can understand and give, washes over my soul. Once again I remember that I am His, and He is mine. By His mercy, I will never cease to be His, and by His grace, He will never cease to be mine.
I was only going to post this to a small handful on my friends list. As I read through my scribbles, through my tears, it seemed as if God was asking me, "Why? You share your happiness, why not this? Why are you only willing to share a part of yourself, an incomplete picture? This, My child, is a gift, just as your happiness and love of life is a gift. And none of the gifts I have given you are for you alone; they are yours to live, and by living, share. If you were to keep these gifts locked away, they would grow pale and wither. Never be afraid of repentance. For with repentance is growth, and health, and maybe not immediately, but also joy." And I said to Him, "I am afraid", and He softly asked, "Has the lesson been unlearned so quickly?" And I, by His grace, was able to once again give back what I had so quickly taken to myself, and know, to the very depths of my soul that His ways and will are perfect, and that I am His.
I get caught up in doing good things, being a good person...for the wrong reasons. And all of a sudden I realize that it's out of my control, and that I'm doing all of these things for my own appearance, instead of for the glory of God, but I can't seem to stop myself...I keep on, piling more and more good deeds on, as if they will help me be a better person. And God waves His hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention, and I kind of blink and keep on struggling. Then He whispers in my ear, and I brush it away as if I just felt or heard something in my sleep, and I just keep going...growing somewhat frantic as I realize all over again that I can't be super-girl and be everything I'm supposed to be. Then His voice reaches my consciousness. "My child." And I stop suddenly, as if a person steps out in front of my car. My heart races as I strain my whole being to listen..."My child. Why do you weary yourself and take upon you burdens too large for you?" And suddenly I am conscious of what seems like the weight of the whole world upon me, bearing me down so that I can hardly stand. I feel ashamed and disgusted at the weight that I have gathered upon myself, but cannot shake it off. "My child. I am always here. My shoulders are infinitely stronger and more able to bear burdens. Will you give me yours?" And remembering this, as a dream repeating itself, bowing before my Maker, tears of sorrow and repentance stream down my face. He reaches down and touches me, and I sob for joy as the weight lifts, wondering why and how I could forget that He has given Himself for this very purpose; that I might be His child. I look at Him wonderingly, and shyly ask Him once again to teach me to rest in Him, to seek His face, to desire His glory above all else, and to never again try to do it on my own. He takes me in his arms and says, "My child. Rest in Me. For only here will you find perfect peace. My child, know that I only give you what I know you can handle, but even that you cannot handle without Me. My child, never grow weary of coming to me, for I will never grow weary of you." And as I lay there in His arms, a peace that only He can understand and give, washes over my soul. Once again I remember that I am His, and He is mine. By His mercy, I will never cease to be His, and by His grace, He will never cease to be mine.
I was only going to post this to a small handful on my friends list. As I read through my scribbles, through my tears, it seemed as if God was asking me, "Why? You share your happiness, why not this? Why are you only willing to share a part of yourself, an incomplete picture? This, My child, is a gift, just as your happiness and love of life is a gift. And none of the gifts I have given you are for you alone; they are yours to live, and by living, share. If you were to keep these gifts locked away, they would grow pale and wither. Never be afraid of repentance. For with repentance is growth, and health, and maybe not immediately, but also joy." And I said to Him, "I am afraid", and He softly asked, "Has the lesson been unlearned so quickly?" And I, by His grace, was able to once again give back what I had so quickly taken to myself, and know, to the very depths of my soul that His ways and will are perfect, and that I am His.
